Tranquil Spirit, Northwich, Cheshire, UK - Spirit Communications: Difficulties in Life and Compassion

Spirit Reflections upon Difficulties in Life and Compassion

Q: I'd like to talk about compassion. You've said in the past that we come back to earth and we learn through our mistakes and we learn through experiences. I once knew someone who had had a deprived upbringing and a hard life. She'd survived it and managed to do okay for herself. I would have thought, given that experience, that she would have been very compassionate towards other people that she met who didn't have what they thought they should have all didn't have as much as other people. But it was quite the opposite.

Hai: Yes. There are many reasons for this of course. Many possible reasons. Sometimes people who have had hard lives themselves have to be strong or at least they make themselves strong as they see it in order to survive the ordeal. The difficulty then is that they do not have the sympathy, the patience, the tolerance for people who they come across who are in similar circumstances to themselves or circumstances that they themselves were in earlier in their lives. So they are unable to sympathise, empathise, with these people. Because their minds, perhaps, at a deeper level that they are not totally aware of, are thinking: "I survived this, I survived that. I survived because I was strong. You also must be strong. You must learn to be strong. You cannot expect my sympathy if you are not as strong as I was." Therefore they do not allow for the differences between human beings. That some are stronger indeed than others. Though we must be careful as to what we call "strength". So, this causes problems and they are unable to sympathise. They have high expectations of these people. Expectations which they impose upon them. So rather than feeling compassion for a lot of these people, they rather place expectations on them and do not show sympathy if they do not match these expectations. So this is one reason. There are others. Some may feel that their lives have been so hard, they have no compassion left, no feeling left, for others. They do not have the energy to devote to feeling compassion for others. Their coals have run cold so to speak. Which is sad, but this can happen. So it is not just one reason but many possible reasons. But you can usually determine the reason by watching the person, watching their behaviour, and you get a sense of where they come from with their feeling towards others and the reasons for their feeling.

Q: Yes, I have known people who have had very nice lives, if you like, nice homes and nice conditions and they feel a great deal of sympathy for people who are worse off than them.

Hai: Yes, experiences alone are not the issue. Sometimes having had a common experience with someone else, an experience which they are now going through, your are well placed to empathise with them. However this is not the main criteria, the main factor. The main factor is that you are able to feel compassion. That you are able to look on the person with eyes of empathy, sympathy, their conditions and their circumstances and work with high above to assist them. Does this answer your question?

Q: Society places most problems that children have on parents.

Hai: And parents must accept some responsibility. It is true. But that is not the whole story is it? Your children are born from your genes but they are not carbon copies of you.They are shaped and moulded to their own individuality. They must work with their bodies, their physical selves. There experience is unique. Their experience is different to yours. We must be careful of imposing our frameworks upon them. They must grow and learn from their own experience, as difficult as that is for us as parents, watching from the outside so to speak. We have our part to play, but we must not overdo it. We must give them freedom and space for growth.

Q: But sometimes when they make mistakes it often affects the parents.

Hai: We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. We have to make mistakes, to grow, to learn. If nobody made any mistakes nobody would learn anything worthwhile. We can guide, we can advise, but people have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. We cannot live their lives for them, nor would we want to, nor should it be so. We must live our lives and they theirs.

Someone asked a question on behalf of some people who are caring for an elderly parent relating to all the problems and difficulties that they faced. She asked Hai if he could give any advice.

Hai: They know the answers to their dilemma, but it is not an easy situation as it never is. We are cared for by our parents when we are young and vulnerable. They put their time, their effort, their love into caring for us. It is natural that we should wish to do what we can to care for them in their time of need in later life when they become vulnerable also. But the situation, the circumstances of this can be very difficult we know. And there are boundaries to our resources, to our ability to care for others. We are only human, again. So there are boundaries to our resources, to our strength, to our abilities.

We would not judge any decision, as we have said. No one is in the business of judging in such situations. But while people do try to care for their vulnerable parents in their old age, there can be many difficulties. Some of these difficulties do not relate to the illnesses or disabilities which they have to contend with, through which they are trying to support their parents. Some of these difficulties relate to personality, do they not? And the way in which people react and respond to each other. And from this point of view the particular difficulty is not a new one. It is just a continued experience, but with the added complications, disease, disability, vulnerability which of themselves may aggravate the original relationships of difficulty.

The way forward is to give of our understanding, our love, our empathy for the circumstances of life and the trials, difficulties, which our elderly parents have to endure. And recognise the restrictions, the restraints upon their pattern of life which these difficulties impose upon them. And to put ourselves in their shoes, in their experience and to imagine what such a life would be like. For no matter how much we care for them. No matter how much they are protected, the quality, the richness of their life must be adversely affected. Likewise, we should try to help them understand without becoming oppressive, the impact upon our life, the care, the responsibility which we take on for them willingly and with an open loving heart.

In short it goes back to what we were speaking of before, about frankness. There should be frankness, but with love behind it, with love at its base. It is only through understanding that things may move forward. But this is dependent on all being able to respond with love, with empathy, with caring; reaching into the reality, the experience for each person.

We recognise that there may come a time when our care of our elderly parents may run out. We may no longer have the resources or the skill to perform the tasks effectively and that time too must be approached with love and sensitivity, with an honest discussion of the problem, the difficulties; with an honest exploration of each person's feelings and giving each the necessary time.